Royal Ascot 16/6/25 - Incompetence Pants

As is becoming our festival tradition, the preamble is being written the night before so we have no idea how we've done.

Regardless of results we have already taken the biggest risk we'll take all week as Kevin has been reinstated as Tesco Procurement Manager as me and Simon we're dispatched to Ascot for equipment drop off. We feared the worst when an agitated Kevin called, just as we were building up the equipment, with severe sausage anxiety. He was unconcerned for his own sausage preferences but knew we rather more particular ("not Richmond" seems fairly relaxed criteria but we appreciated his diligence in ensuring pork related satisfaction). Subsequently we settled on Tesco's Finest and a relieved Kevin headed to the checkouts and we fiddled with ratchet straps in the broiling Ascot heat.

In the spirit of our new found bravado we're working through our "CairnBet Promotion To Your Level Of Incompetence Week". Steve has been promoted to Setting Up The Equipment Manager (where's he gone?), Simon to Pitch Selection Manager (2nd line, in the gap please) whilst I get the plum Card Machine Manager job (cash only today, sorry love).

Making our way to digs, Steve phoned to enquire our whereabouts. Not something he's prone to do and we appreciated his concern. Turned out his steering lock wouldn't unlock somewhere near Bicester and he needed rescuing. Kevin was dispatched as me and Simon are on the daily Ascot run. If looks could kill....

More disappointment awaited us when we finally reached said digs as Kevin had delivered a perfect shopping performance, even supplementing the original order with a session IPA on offer, and we had nothing to even vaguely complain about. Crushed.

Pizza tonight and I found something 4.9 on Google and duly shared with the troops. Turns out it was a pork free establishment and "turkey pepperoni" is as much a thing to us as "Premierisation". Simon took over takeaway duties only to immediately run into the exact same issue and we were so knackered by this stage we settled on a chain - embarrassment permits me mentioning who - and my 4 pizza laptop order seemed to come to an eye watering 110 quid. Simon played around on his phone and, miraculously, it was nearer 55 quid with free cheesy somethings thrown in. Solid work from our new Takeaway (Online Only) Manager, though given the roll Kevin is on we were considering passing the duties over to him for the rest of the week until he broke the brown sauce out on his pizza, at which point we initiated disciplinary proceedings - currently stage 1 and Kevin is awaiting union representation.

1) Rosallion and Dancing Gemini for the max plus Cairo for a half max, Dancing Gemini was well bet by a group of lads, there was much excitement about the potential winnings, Simon suggested to them that if it won they could maybe afford some socks to go with their blue suits, I chuckled surreptitiously. It didn't win so we assume they remain sans hosiery. An excellent win on Docklands, but we weren't walking like an Egyptian when we shoved the result in as Cairo ran on into a place and we ran into a collection of place payouts that looked more like wins and the profit was almost halved.

2) Bogeys dotted liberally around the book and we eked out a modest win on the favourite Gstaad topped up with an even more modest place result in a race that, frankly, would've been hard to lose in the each way market, so bookmaker friendly was the place market. No Cairo, no cry.

3) 4 bogeys, Night Raider, Regional, Starlust and Balmoral Lady but you're never gonna retire on a winner with "American" in the name and so it proved and we felt fortunate to avoid disaster with another plodding move forward that was more pedestrian than Usain Bolt.

4) Field of Gold a good winner throughout until a late flurry turned it, unexpectedly, into a small loser. Places kind to give us a small profit in the race book, again topped up, this time with a few quid in the forecast and without markets. It was all very pedestrian but it was, at least, in a forward direction.

5) We had a double rolling over onto smashed up Reaching High which guaranteed "max" status before we even had the prices on the board plus another 3 losers. Simon said the jolly was boxed in and the in running prices reflected the same as the eyes and when Ascending went in we had a genuine jackpot, not far off a skinner in fact, and we managed to avoid the nastier place liabilities in what was a nasty each way book from our point of view. Giant leap forward.

6) Stood the top two. Desperately wanted Galen that went clear but we were to be disappointed as no score draw Haatem reeled in our jackpot but we had a very pleasant surprise as the places went in and we moved forward again, albeit more in race 1-4 fashion.

7) Heartbreak Stakes in the last. Stood the top two, Charlus was never in it and French Master hit something suitably massive in running and we made the fatal error of seeing which one was the biggest winner. Comms got excited, jolly came from the clouds and we ended the day with a loss the was as disappointing as it was unexpected.

A solid start to our week however and, overall, no complaints despite a backward step in the last.

We do it all again tomorrow. Until then...